I finished reading Benedict Wells’ masterpiece “The End of Loneliness“ last night, and I honestly hadn’t read such a good book in ages. Apart from incredible storytelling, Wells’ use of language is one of a kind. A-MAZING! Death is a very central topic in the book, but it’s not your usual sob story, even though some really tragic incidents happen throughout the book. I don’t wanna give away too much (for those of you who wanna read it), but the narrator’s parents die really young, leaving behind three orphans. And there’s more deaths along the way, some more heartbreaking than others. With poignant sensitivity, Wells deals with these deaths, giving them enough room and realism to feel it, yet he doesn’t get tangled up in sentimentalism or depression. Rather, he shows that life always goes on. And even though you might feel frozen due to a horrific life event, life itself always keeps moving forward. Time never stands still. (I guess that’s what you call reality.) At the end of the book, Jules (the narrator and now grown-up man in his 40s) comes to realize: “Things come and go, I couldn’t accept that for a long time, now it suddenly is easy for me.“ (my translation) Now you might assume that all the tragic deaths he has experienced have numbed him out and hardened him to the point that he just doesn’t get emotionally involved anymore when dealing with other people. But it’s quite the opposite, actually: He has learned to let go the same way he learned to open up to others and establish deep and meaningful relationships. Isn’t that beautiful? So the question I ask myself is – how much are these two sides part of the same coin? In other words, how interrelated are your relationship skills and your ability to let go? And what I’m suspecting is that the relation is actually pretty strong. 

Because what enables you to lead a healthy and vibrant relationship is the same quality that allows you to let go: The ability to stand alone. A person who knows who they are and how to take care of themselves. A person who has a life of their own and doesn’t need anyone to exist. That’s sexy. Like who wants a leech? Uhm – no one?! But then also – who wants a ghost? Not better, is it? I really don’t know what’s the lesser of these two evils. I mean, probably the ghost, because leeches suck you dry, but the interesting phenomenon about ghosts is – they often are just leeches in disguise. If they meet another ghost, they might swiftly become the leech. It’s a sick symbiosis. Now if that is getting too abstract for you – don’t worry. It’s just metaphors of some deep psychology shit that I’ve been informing myself of over the last two years. Because to let you in on some deep shit truth: I know how to play the leech-ghost-game. Really well. (Not that I’m proud of it or something. But it’s just the truth.) Like in past relationships, I got so fricking dependent on my partners, that I even forgot I existed. Forget “stand alone“, I was lying on the fricking floor like a baby waiting for someone to change its diapers. If you think that’s mighty unsexy, well, you might have a point here. But then – judgment has never helped anyone, so just keep breathing and act normal. Anyways, so my last relationship was toxic like a fucking nuclear accident and when we finally broke it off, it felt like death, when in actual fact it was salvation. I got real on a great many things. And I decided that I wanted to be able to stand alone, once and for all.  

Now what does that even mean? Living a life in full-on isolation, like a hermit in a hidden cave somewhere on the North Pole? Not really. I mean, if that is what you need for a while, I’d say go for it! But I guess there’s no general formula that works for each and everyone. You gotta try it out. What I do believe, though, is that it’s essential to spend a lot of time on your own and figure out who the fuck you are if you’re not surrounded by others and others’ opinions. Get very real on that.

I remember – since time immemorial, whenever I was alone doing literally nothing – not making music, not distracting myself on Social Media, not working out at the gym, not being with friends, not fulfilling anyone’s duties – I always used to feel a very heavy and overwhelming emptiness inside of me. Like a void or a black hole. When I finally was able to put a label on it I realized that I was starving for love and whenever I got it, I was like a wanderer in the desert craving for this last sip of water that prevents his death. This is where I still was evolutionary at the time of the breakup last year.

Fast-forward one year: 

This summer I actually went on two trips just by myself. I went on a road trip through the Balkans and I spent a week in Milos, Greece. A-LONE. Both of these trips were amazing. Beyond words, I’m not even kidding. And I think part of it is owed to the fact that it was the first time in my life that I felt genuinely comfortable and strong by myself. I felt whole. And I remember it was this one night in Milos that I actually realized that on a very physical level: I was at this bar in Adamas, when the waiter asked me, “Why did you come to Milos? It’s such a couple’s place!“ I was like “Really?“ I mean, I hadn’t even noticed. Coz I didn’t care. I was not on the lookout, you know. I was actually and honestly fine being by myself. And you guess what, I met a bazillion of people: singles, friends, couples, guys, girls, seniors, travelers, natives,… Memorable encounters and experiences all along the way. 

So yeah, it’s been quite a journey, this last year. I’m finally standing alone. The fact that Tinder blocked me (they considered posting my blog link in the bio a commercial activity, ok cool) was actually also a blessing in disguise. There’s too many numbed out kids on Tinder that I have no patience to deal with anymore. The platform is full of leeches and ghosts – people who try to run away from themselves chasing their illusion of happiness in outside places by instrumentalizing people to satisfy their needs. But ok, I keep breathing and act normal. After all, who am I to judge – I was one of them, hello!  And now? Well, I’m very clear on where I wanna go in life, I say a very heartfelt NO to bullshit of all sorts and YES to things and people that are worth my energy and time. People who can stand alone. People I can form and entertain meaningful relationships with. 

I’m ready.